The Pain of A Dragon
by Ryuu842
Summary: What happens when the tragedy gets to much for Merlin? How will Arthur react? How will Kilgharrah? Can they save him?
1. Prologue

Prologue

It was a dark night, like any other. We were hunting. I _hate _hunting. I hate seeing the life drain from the poor, defenseless animals. They had done no wrong. But the prat of a King thought that killing innocent beings that lived peacefully in the forest was _fun. _Fun. How could this be fun?

I shook my head. I would never understand him. Arthur. My destiny. The other side of the coin. How could he just end another being's life?

"_Mer_lin," said King called, interrupting my thoughts. "What _are _you doing?"

"Hum," I asked.

"It seems as if he's daydreaming again, Princess," Gwaine said with a smirk.

My heart churned in a vicious jerk.

"Well, he should be fixing us dinner, like a good little servant is supposed to do," Arthur said with a mocking grin.

"Why don't you do it," I said, turning my back to him; pretending everything was fine. "Your last attempt wasn't poisonous' enough."

The Knights laughed at this.

"I think it needs _a little _more work," I finished with a grin that never met my eyes.

Arthur scowled and threw his goblet at me, which I just barely ducked. I gave him my best lopsided grin, and the Knights almost fell over in laughter. My heart ached and I wished that I could just disappear.

"Just get back to work, _Mer_lin," the King said as his ears turned red with embarrassment.

"As you wish, _Sire,"_ I said with a mock bow.

However, what I didn't say was how my insides felt like they were ripping out. I don't remember when it _actually _started but it was about a month ago…


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One: The Beginning

…._one month ago._…

I was washing the laundry. Nothing spectacular. It's what I do every evening after the prat goes into the 'important' council meetings. I just got back from battling another evil sorcerer in _another_ 'assassination' attempt. It was the _third _one this _week!_ How many people can think, "Hey, let's kill Arthur Pendragon!" in such a small span of time? I mean, it's ridiculous! I shook my head. We can't have everything.

That's when King prat decided to walk in, looking all 'regal'.

"_Mer_lin," he shouted. "_Where _have you been? I've searched the _entire _castle looking for you. _And, _you better not say the tavern!"

"_Oh,_" I exclaimed in false sincerity. "_Oh, _I'm so _sorry! _I meant to tell you! Gaius asked me to collect herbs this morning, so I went after I polished your armor."

Arthur sighed, then said, "Well, I guess that proves how little your mind comprehends. Next time, tell me when Gaius tells you, like a _smart _little boy."

I just nodded, hurt. I'm not an idiot. I never was. But, for some reason, every person I meet just assumes I am. Lately, Arthur has even taken a more…vicious…opinion on my assumed mental retardation.

"And, Merlin."

"Yes, Sire."

"Much out my stables."

"I already have, Sire."

"Well, do it _again._"

"Yes, you Majesty."

I immediately picked up the newly washed laundry to be taken to dry and left. Arthur just stood their stunned.

"Sire," Gwaine called.

"Yes, Gwaine," I replied stunned.

Gwaine never calls me 'Sire' unless something was wrong.

"Have you noticed that's something's off with Merlin?"

I did. He didn't talk as much, smile like he used to, or even…well…the air around him has changed too.

"Yes," I answered him. "He's been too quit. It's not like him."

"I've tried to talk to him," Gwaine admitted. "He won't tell me anything. I don't know what to do."

"Maybe it's just something that he needs time with."

"You don't get it, Princess. Merlin's not like us … he's more sensitive. He needs people to lean on. I'm afraid if he keeps this bottled up, he'll lose himself …or worse."

"Worse how?"

"It'll rot him inside out."

I gulped, and nodded.

"I'll try talking to him," I said.

"Thank you," Gwaine breathed then walked off.

Deciding that it was best that I talk to him sooner than later, I went to find that useless excuse for a manservant. I mean, can he do _anything _right? The man has me a walking nerve of worry 24/7. I hope he enjoys it.

I walked all through the castle, but there was no hide or hare of him.

_Where could he have gone, I thought. No one could just disappear into thin air … unless one was a sorcerer. But that's ridiculous; _Mer_lin of all people couldn't be a sorcerer. _

After hours of searching, there was word of him being seen walking to the washroom. I rushed there immediately.

"_Mer_lin," I shouted. "_Where _have you been? I've searched the _entire _castle looking for you. _And, _you better not say the tavern!"

"_Oh,_" he exclaimed surprised, and ashamed. "_Oh, _I'm so _sorry! _I meant to tell you! Gaius asked me to collect herbs this morning, so I went after I polished your armor."

I sighed, then said, "Well, I guess that proves how little your mind comprehends. Next time, tell me when Gaius tells you, like a _smart _little boy."

I don't know why I said that. I don't really mean it, it's just easier than saying what I really want to say.

"And, Merlin."

"Yes, Sire."

"Much out my stables."

That's also easier. Familiar. I want to demand what's wrong. Ask what I can do, but King's don't care. And, he would tell me in his own time, _right? _

"I already have, Sire."

"Well, do it _again._"

"Yes, you're Majesty."

That finally gets me. _You're Majesty? _He never called me by any title unless it's a Sire, and that's usually full of sarcasm.

I open my mouth to ask what's wrong. Why he's calling me '_You're Majesty'_, but he's already gone.

Arthur approached me three times that evening asking me if something was wrong. The first was after I finished the stables. I said I was fine. The second was when I filled his bath. I said I was fine. The third was right before he went to bed.

"Merlin," the King called.

"Yes, you're Majesty?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Sire."

"You're not sick?"

"I assure you, I'm fine, you're Majesty."

"Has someone done something?"

"No. I'm fine, Sire."

"Said something?"

I almost paused here.

"Sire, I am completely fine. There is no cause to worry."

Arthur just nodded. Although, I could tell that he didn't believe me. I needed to be more careful.

"You would tell me if something was wrong, right," he asked.

"Oh course, you're Majesty."

I was lying through my teeth, and he knew it.

"If that would be all," I asked.

"You can go Merlin," he said with a sigh.

I bowed then left. I ran straight to my room.

"Merlin," Gaius called.

I sighed. He was another person I couldn't fool.

"Yes, Gaius?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"No you're not, don't lie to me, boy."

"I just want to be alone."

Gaius ignored me and walked into the room. He sat right beside my head—buried into my pillow—and put a hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

"Arthur's being a prat."

Not a total lie. Arthur's always a prat.

"Is that all?"

"I'm over worked."

Again, not a total lie, but not the truth either.

"Okay… Anything else?"

"Lancelot."

A complete lie. Lancelot's been dead for a while; however, his shade and Gwen's banishment have brought some new wounds. However, this has little to no part in what's actually going on.

"What about him?"

"I miss him Gaius. Hi-him … and Gwen."

"I know, my boy. I know."

Gaius led me up and I laid my head on his chest and cried. I cried for them, for my father, Morgana, and … Freya. But, mostly, I cried for the friendships I'm losing now in Camelot. I'm drifting away from everyone. They're all knights now. Knights and a king. I'm so far away and it's slowly killing me.


	3. Chapter 2

Authors Note:

Hey, I just wanted to let everyone know that I know I'm posting a little quickly, but I this is my first fanfic—so please be gentle—and I don't know how often everyone would like me to post. Can someone let me know? And, if anyone would like to contact me about becoming my beta, I would be ecstatic. Please review, I would like to know how I'm doing and what I could do to make it better!

Chapter Two: Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I was lying in bed when the thought came to me. I was floating the dagger, newly polished, above my head when I accidently nicked myself. The blood was hypnotizing … and distracting. It sickened me to even have the thought and I quickly pushed it away.

However, as I walked from Arthur's chambers nearly in tears because of the newly bread idiot insults, the idea came back … and this time it wouldn't go away.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur called, trying to catch up as I escaped down the hall.

"Yes, you're Majesty," I asked trying to banish the tears.

"Will you _quit _calling me _that?_"

"I thought you wanted servants to treat you with respect, _Sire_."

"Better. Now, I wanted to ask you if you'll bring me supper earlier tonight."

"As you wish, _Sire._"

"Are you okay, Merlin?"

I looked him right in the eyes and said, "Never better, _Sire_."

"You know you can talk to me right?"

_Yeah right, I thought. 'Oh, Sire, by the way, you know how you said I could talk to you? Well, I'm the most powerful warlock—yes I have magic—in the entire world, that is and will _ever _be, and have this great destiny to protect your prattish behind. Not only that, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the pain, lies, loss, and adjusting to having knights,_ and_ a King, as friends. Will you please not excuse me?' That would go _real _well. _

"Oh course, Sire," I said.

Another lie. I can't talk to anyone. Who would understand?

"Alright then. On your way."

I bowed and hurried off.

I knew he was lying. The thing that got me was _why. Why _would he lie to me? _What _could be so bad that he couldn't confide in me? Merlin, can't you trust me?

I sighed and walked off, of course, running straight into Gwaine.

"Oi, Princess," he yelled.

"Yes, Gwaine," I sighed; I knew this was coming.

"I thought you said you'd talk to Merlin?"

"I tried. He won't talk to me."

"Really? You too," Elyan said walking up.

"You tried to talk to him," I asked.

"All of us have, Princess."

"Might I be of some service," Gaius asked walking up.

"Please, enlighten us," I asked him. "What's wrong with Merlin? Is he okay?"

"He's grieving, Sire."

"Grieving," Leon asked coming up with Percival.

"Yes. Over Lancelot … and Gwen. He misses them, Sire."

"We all do," Gwaine said. "Even if Princess here doesn't admit it."

Gaius nodded, but said, "Yes, but him the most."

"Why is that, Gaius," I asked.

"He was the closest to them, so he will grieve them most. It was hard to lose them both in such a short space of time."

"I'm sorry for that."

"You did not take Lancelot away, and you did what you felt right with Guinevere, he does not blame you. It will just burn for a while, Sire."

I nodded.

"We'll just have to make the pain lessen," I stated and everyone nodded in confirmation.

The next few days were painful. Everyone was being so nice to me. Even Arthur was easing my chores. I just repaid them with lies. That week I distanced myself even more. I rarely saw Arthur nowadays. I made myself the perfect servant. I saw the knights even less—ducking in corridors and behind pillars whenever I saw or heard them.

Gaius even started to worry more when he noticed how thin I was getting. I couldn't eat much for the fear that I would just throw it back up. I slept less than I should—usually only getting a couple of hours a night.

I sighed as I flipped the dagger in my hands. Maybe I should do it. I shook my head. No. I won't go down that path.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur yelled. "Where is my _useless _servant?"

"He's in his room, Sire," Gaius said and I heard feet walk toward me. I quickly hid the dagger and Arthur barged in.

"There you are," he yelled.

"Here I am."

"I need you at once."

I nodded and followed him out of the chambers.

"Where have you been?"

"In my room, Sire," I said confused.

"I meant this week."

"Oh, I was doing my chores."

"And _why _haven't I seen you."

"I thought you wanted a servant that did a good job."

"Yes, but even _you _should know that I need to know where my own servant is when I need you."

I nodded.

"What did you need of me, Sire?"

"I want you to attend me during training, _Mer_lin. Even a half-competent servant could have guessed that."

I tried to swallow back the hurt.

"I guess so," I said, trying my best to fake a laugh.

Arthur smiled, so I guessed I succeeded.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"_Mer_lin," Arthur yelled. "Are you not even _trying? Dodge_, idiot!"

"I _am _trying, Sire," I yelled, and then something happened that I would never forget.

Arthur swung as I stopped and the blade sliced open my arm. But, what disgusted me most was that it felt _good. _

"Merlin," Arthur screamed. "Are you okay?"

"Oh," I said still dazed. "I'm fine."

"You are _not _'fine.' Your arm's sliced open. Come on, idiot, we better get you to Gaius."

I just nodded and let Arthur drag me along. As we walked I was memorized by the numb feeling this cut gave me. I don't understand how a simple cut could just dull my emotional pain. It's like one of Gaius' concoctions … just in the form of a wound. I shook my head. I shouldn't be thinking like this. It's wrong….. But, why did it feel so right?

"…..It should be okay now, Sire," I heard Gaius say.

"Huh," I asked.

"So you're finally back to reality, _Mer_lin," Arthur said harshly. "I was wondering when you'd get out of your shocked state."

"Shock?"

"That's what I concluded," Gaius said as he started to make a tonic. "We couldn't rouse you no matter what was said or done."

"Oh?"

By this time I was staring at the blood pooling in the bandage. I wish I could tear it off and watch it bubble out. I wish I could go back to that dreamlike state where nothing mattered.

"Merlin?"

"Humm," I asked.

"Are you okay, my boy," Gaius asked.

"I'm fine," I said automatically looking around once more. "Where's Arthur?"

"He left thirty minutes ago," Gaius said as concern leaked onto his face. "Did you not notice?"

I shook my head, a smile threatening to sprout. I think I found a solution to my problems.

"Well he wanted you to bring him his dinner in a couple hours."

"Okay," I said as I got up and strolled into my room—a kitchen knife smuggled into my hands.

What no one knew didn't hurt them….

Reviews:

Peabodythecat: Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. I try to make my works unique, so I appreciate you informing me that you like my style … I was worried that no one would like it. : )


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: A New Revelation

"Merlin," I asked as I walked into the small room.

It's been three weeks since I first asked him if there was something wrong. For three weeks he dodged all my questions, all my attempts to follow him, and all my extra attention. There was something off about his behavior. Granted he's _seemed _okay, but there was something there that just didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I'd place my money on something being wrong.

The knights gave up two weeks ago, putting it off on what Gaius had said about him grieving. But, that didn't sit right with me. I know he misses Lance, but Gwen's still alive. I'd bet he's more angry at me than anything. This _wrongness _has to be something else. I just _know _it.

"Merlin," I asked again, but still no answer.

I sighed as I walked into the room. He's been distant for a month now. I don't know if it's something I said or did … or if it's not. I shook my head. I shouldn't be so concerned about a servant. But, Merlin's not _just _a servant. He's my … friend. Yes, my friend.

The room was messy as usual. His clothes were strolled out on the floor and the bed was only halfway made. I shook my head with a smile on my face. At least I know his home life was still the …

I immediately stopped. There was something shinning under the thin blanket. I slowly walked over and pulled the cover back. A gasp escaped my lips. It was a knife … and it was soaked in dark red blood—the hilt dirtied by old rusted crust. Tears threated to fall as I dropped the blanket in exchange for the knife.

It didn't matter if he didn't want to talk anymore. We were talking.

It was just a normal day. We just got back from a hunt, and I was going through my normal routines. However, as I brought the newly laundered clothes to the prat's room, I started to get a bad feeling. I shrugged it off. It was a nice day, and I felt better than I have than I have this week.

Though, the feeling started to get stronger as I got closer to Arthur's room. I was about panicked as I pushed open the door.

"Hello, Merlin," Arthur said, startling me, right when I walked through the door.

"Arthur," I said and started towards the cabinet.

"Don't bother with that now."

Arthur's voice was usually firm. It had me in a pause for a split second.

"Why," I asked nervous.

"Come," he said instead of answering. "Sit."

"Okay."

I sat and Arthur just stared at me for a second. It was like he was trying to drag out my deepest, darkest secrets. My stomach rolled.

"I was taking a stroll today and found something very surprising," he started.

"Oh," I asked.

"Yes. I was looking for someone and I walked inside their room. I would have never guessed in a thousand years at what I found."

I gulped. I left my book out, didn't I? He's going to banish me? Execute me? I felt like I wanted to die.

"It was under their blanket," Arthur continued and I gulped ready for the shoe to drop. "I wouldn't have found it if not for the gleam."

Gleam? Spell books don't gleam … Oh, no. It's worse. Gaius' kitchen knife. He's found the knife.

"Oh," I asked even more nervous than before.

"Yes," he said pulling out the blooded knife. "Mind explaining?"

"Well, there's a good explaination," I lied.

"Get on with it."

"My practice wound, you know from three weeks ago, it got infected after I accidently scraped it again … so I had to cut the rest open to treat it."

"Does Gaius know?"

"No," I answered meekly.

Arthur shook his head in disappointment and grabbed my left arm, and I tried my hardest not to flinch at the pain. However, I couldn't help but gasp as he jerked the sleeve up, but I was surprised at Arthur's startled gasp.

"Merlin," he yelled. "What on _earth _is this?"

I didn't answer, ashamed. He jerked my chin up when I didn't meet his eyes. His eyes were hard and his face furious.

"Why?"

"Why what," I asked pretending to be confused.

"Why would you deliberately harm yourself?"

"I don't know."

Arthur's face darkened further. It was a lie and he knew it.

"I'm not a fool, _Mer_lin."

"I never said you were."

"Then why do you continue to lie to me?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Of course I don't understand. You're usually so _happy! _What could make you do this?"

"It's easier," I whispered.

"Easier than what?"

"The voices."

"Voices?"

"The one's that say I'm an idiot. That I'm worthless. They say nobody cares. They say everyone I love dies or gets hurt because of me. How could I fulfill my destiny when I can't protect me or others that I love? They're right you know. I can't do anything right. I'm a pathetic excuse for an existence. I don't know why I was born. Killgurrah's wrong. Destiny's wrong. They must've got the wrong person."

Arthur was crying by this point.

"No," he chocked. "You're wrong. You're so very, very wrong. And, I'm _so _sorry."

He pulled me into a tight embrace and I gasped.

"I'm so sorry."

"Arthur," I said. "Wha—What are you doing?"

"This is all my fault," he whispered. "All my fault."

"What's your fault, Princess," Gwaine asked as he staggered into the room.

_Oh no, I thought. Not him too._

"Arthur," Leon asked. "Are you okay?"

I turned and my face paled as I saw not just Gwaine and Leon, but Elyan and Percy too.

_Just perfect, I thought. Should we invite the whole castle?_

"No," Arthur said, finally sitting up. "Look."

At that he lifted my arm up for display—receiving several shocked gasps.

"What on _earth_," Gwaine bellowed.

"If I may, Sire," Leon asked carefully. "But, how is this _your _fault?"

"Go on," Arthur said. "Tell them what you told me."

I just sat there in an award embrace completely silent.

"Well," he said, and then sighed when I said nothing. "He said that he has 'voices' saying he's an idiot, worthless, nobody cares. 'They' blame him for the deaths and injuries of people he cares for."

"And you do this," Gwaine asks threateningly.

"Well I kid around with him about being an…an idiot…."

"I never heard him do the rest," Percival spoke up.

Elyan nodded in agreement, and Gwaine claimed down.

"This is not your fault, Sire," Leon said.

"Yes it is," Arthur said.


	5. Chapter 4

Author's Note:

Hello again. I hope everyone is enjoying the story thus far. I hope I'm not posting too quickly. If so, just tell me okay? Next chapter will be dark, just a warning. But if anyone has any ideas of where you want me to head I'll gladly listen. : )

Chapter Four: A Threat to Life, a Threat to Death

I was horrified. How could this have happened? I was careful … or I _thought _I was.

"Merlin?"

I shook my head.

"Merlin," I heard again.

"Gaius?"

"There we are," he said. "Now. Would you mind explaining why the knights brought you in with your arms littered in cuts?"

"Well … I …."

"I…?"

"I…haven't really been telling the truth."

"Oh?"

Gaius raised his eyebrow and I mentally shrunk.

"I've been having a harder time than I was letting people think."

"I can see that. What I want to know is why you didn't say something. What can I do to help?"

I had to look away from him then. How can I tell him that I've been feeling unwanted? It would break his heart.

"Merlin," Gaius said warningly when I didn't answer.

"There's nothing you _can_ do, Gaius," I said.

"Can you tell me why you didn't feel that you can tell me?"

"It would've hurt you. I just _couldn't_, Gaius. It would have hurt everyone."

"Would you like to talk about it now?"

I shook my head. It was already too late for me. There was nothing left that could be done. I fell down the rabbit hole and now I just had to survive.

"Gaius?"

_Oh, no, I thought. Just what I need the prat. _

"Oh, Merlin," Arthur said. "Are you with us again? You gave us quite a heart attack when you fainted."  
"Wait, I fainted!"

"Yep."

Arthur popped the 'p' in the most irritating way as I glared at Gaius for not telling me.

"Now, talk," Arthur commanded.

"About what, _Sire_?"

"You know _what_. The _cutting, _Merlin. What else?"  
"I don't know the weather, your armor, if I mucked out your stinky stable or not? You weren't very specific."

Arthur glared at me and I shut up. I was dodging the question and he knew it.

"Well, now I am. So, talk."

"You wouldn't like it."

"It doesn't matter if I like it or not, does it? So stop dodging the question."

I sighed. He wasn't going to make this easy.

"Alright, alright," I said defeated. "You already got the part about everyone thinking I'm an idiot and how it makes me feel worthless. But, there's more. I feel like as the time drawls on I seem to be drifting away from the people I care about, and it's not by choice. You're king now, my other friends are knights, Lance is dead, Gwen's banished, and even Gaius is busier than usual. There are so many boundaries, so many obstacles. It hurts. Especially when the people I'm closest to don't have time for me anymore. I know it sounds selfish, but I miss the moments that I could just go to them and they'd just stop to smile at me. They didn't say anything, but the smile was enough. Gwaine doesn't even do that anymore. Did I do something wrong? Or, am I just not that important anymore? I know I'm just a servant, but doesn't the friendship we shared count for anything?

"And, that's not all. Everyone thinks that because I'm a servant, I don't have feelings."

"That's not true."

"Oh, isn't it? 'Don't be such a _girl, Mer_lin.' 'Does this have something to do with that mental infliction?' '_Well, he should be fixing us dinner, like a good little servant is supposed to do?_"

Arthur had the decency to flinch at that.

"Anyway," I continued. "It's not only that. It's the loss."

"Loss?"

"_Lance, Gwen,_" I said. "Or have you forgotten. Oh, and I still haven't gotten over Will dying and Morgana betraying us. Not to mention _Gaius getting kidnaped._"

_Not to mention my father and Freya, I thought._

"And on top of all this, I had to do it _alone. _Maybe they were right. Maybe I should have left _years _ago. It's pretty obvious that no one really cares. But, no. I stayed. For _you. _Always for you. I'd die for you in a heartbeat, Arthur Pendragon. You needed me, so I stayed. That's the only reason."

"I'm sorry," Arthur whispered, his voice cracking with pent up emotion.

"Well, sometimes sorry isn't enough," I said, somewhat harshly. However, I didn't regret it. It needed to be said; it's how I felt.

"You're mad."

"No, I'm hurt. Deeply. And, it's not just you—though a lot of it is—, it's the knights too. Especially Gwaine. I thought he was my friend…. I thought he cared. But, I guess he doesn't. I don't think anybody does. So, tell me something, _do_ you care? Am I important? Is it worth me existing?"

"_Merlin_…."

Arthur's jaw dropped and a bottle shattered in the background.

"Oh course it's worth you existing. You _are _important … especially to me. Merlin you're my rock. My only constant in life. When everybody leaves, you stay by my side. You keep me grounded. You are my _first _and _only _friend in this world. Oh course I care … I just don't know how to say it all the time…."

Tears started to pool in my eyes. That's all I ever wanted to hear …, but was it too late to get out of this hole I'm in? I mean, I almost sliced my wrists this morning…. How could I come back from that? How can one confession pull me back?

He could have lied… Yes, that's what it had to be—a lie. Arthur Pendragon didn't do feelings. He doesn't act like I'm important to him, so how can his words be true? He must _really _hate me to do this to me! How could he just casually pretend to care? That's sick! That's cruel! Tears fall from my eyes and he smiles.

_Do you hate me that much, Arthur Pendragon, I thought. Would you just keep me wrapped around your finger, pretending to care? Would you just leave me to rot and die for you? Not anymore. I should go through with my plan. Good bye, Arthur Pendragon. _

Reviews:

Peabodythecat: Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoy my quick posting and the story. If you like this, I'm starting a crossover of Sherlock and Merlin. It's called Trading Spaces.


	6. Chapter 5

Author's Note:

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! I appreciate you're continued support. Just warning you—again—this chapter is _DARK_. I hope you enjoy, but feel free to make any suggestions. ; )

Chapter Five: Life on a Limb

I couldn't believe it. How could _Merlin _of all people do this? Why did he feel the need to harm himself in such a way? In _any _way? I thought he was so happy. Care free. I guess I was wrong.

I sighed. He's younger than me too. He doesn't deserve to be so miserable. Did we really do that to him? Did we really push him over the brink and onto the tip of a dagger? I don't want to believe it … but what Merlin said is making it hard not to.

"Sire," Leon said as the knights walked up. "You asked us to come?"

"We need to talk," was all I said.

As the morning sun started to climb I snuck out of Gaius' chambers. It was almost time. Just a few more hours. Quickly, I ran to Arthur's room. I knew he wouldn't be up yet. Almost no one was. There I took a piece of parchment and a quill dipped in ink.

_Arthur,_

_ I'm sorry that it had to be this way. I wish you well, I always did. You were the reason for my life, my existence. It has been an honor serving you. I was glad to be your servant until the day I died…_

_ I only wish that we could have been closer—to have been friends. And, yes, I know, "You're such a _girl, Mer_lin." _

_ I'm sorry to have made you worry the past day. I know I don't deserve it, but, can you forgive me? You'll know what for._

_Your Friend,_

_Merlin _

After I left the letter for Arthur, I went to deliver the others. When that was done I quickly ran to the battlements. No one would find me there…..

There was something wrong. I knew there was. Something felt off, and that brought me out of my slumber. That and there was this infuriating light that wouldn't go away.

"_Mer_lin," I yelled. "Go away."

There was no answer.

"Merlin?"

Still no answer.

Then yesterday's events came slamming back to me. I jerked up, scanning my room for my infuriating servant. The scary thing was, he wasn't there. There was no sign of him.

I quickly got out of bed and was about to barge out of my room, but then I remembered that I was still in my night clothes. Princes can't storm the castle in their night clothes.

I spit out an unkind word walking to my cupboard, but something on my desk caught my eye. It was a letter—in Merlin's handwriting—addressed to me. I grabbed it and hurriedly opened it. I scanned it five times and finally the meaning slapped me.

"That _idiot!_"

"Arthur," Gaius screamed running through the door.

"Yes, Gaius," I asked.

"Where's Merlin?"

"I don't know … But, he left me a note."

"He left me one too."

"What does it say?"

"Dear, Gaius, I'm so sorry. This is perhaps the hardest letter to write. I can't imagine how you're going to feel when you find this, but know one thing, I love you. You've always been like a father to me. I hope you'll be able to forgive me. I'm going to tell you something, but it's going to break your heart—, but I can't lie to you anymore. It's not fair. Gaius, I can't live anymore. It hurts too much. Everyone but you has been lying to me. They don't care. I can see it in their eyes. I know that you love me, and I know this is going to hurt; but what's the use in living when my own destiny is against me? (If it's _my _destiny at all.) Kilgharrah was wrong. The half _does _hate what makes it whole. I know Arthur can't stand me, and it hurts. How am I supposed to protect him if he doesn't even want me around? Plus, how can I live with myself for letting my father and Freya die? Will also died because of me … and you got kidnapped because Morgana wanted Alator to find out my real name not my title _Emrys. _I'm so sorry, but I plan to end this today. Don't try to find me, it won't help. Goodbye, Gaius. Love, Merlin."

"That _idiot,_" I said. "Come on Gaius. Let's go find us a servant."

Gaius nodded, but his face was dark. I could tell he's already given up.

I finished with the letters about an hour ago. Now I stood on the battlements; my feet half on and off the ledge. It was a wonderful feeling—the wind in my hair gravity battling which was my body might fall. I couldn't get enough of it. Right now I was completely in charge of my life—for the first time since I came to Camelot—and I was savoring every minute of it! Well, what I could savor that is. I wanted to die, and this was my way.

"Merlin," I heard Arthur yell.

_Oh no, I thought. How did he find me? No one saw me! My magic made sure of that!_

"Merlin!"

_Gaius too, I thought. Why? Why can't they just leave me alone?_

"Merlin," Arthur yelled again running towards me now.

I didn't answer. Why should I? I already said what I wanted to say. It was all in that letter.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur yelled. "Get down from there. Come on! Let's talk about this. You don't have to do this stunt. We _do _care. _I _care. _Mer_lin, you're more important to me than _my own life!"_

Lies. They were all lies. They had to be. He always acts like I'm a disease. _How _can _that _be _caring? _

I itched forward, and Gaius gasped.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur yelled, taking out his dagger and holding it to his throat. "If you die, I'll slit my throat. You hear me?"

I turned around. He was lying. He just wanted to toy with me, like I'm some play thing. He wouldn't actually slit his throat.

"_Mer_lin!"

I fell.

Reviews:

Peabodythecat: Thank you for your enthusiasm! I'm glad you like the suspense. I hope the ending of this chapter makes you jump out of the pan!

Mersan123: Thank you for your nice comment. I try to make my style different, and I'm just going to let you know, it gets worse. Although, I can't tell you if there will be a character death—and I know I hate those too! Especially to poor Merlin. But, I take it where the words led me. However, I'm glad you like it—it's my first fic—and thank you for telling me you like my quick updates.

Felicity P: Lol. That he does.

KmKizmet: Thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Thank you for offering to be my Beta, by the way. I appreciate it.

Rascalslife


	7. Chapter 6

Author's Note: (Warning: Major Arthur bashing.) Sorry about the cliff hanger! I hope you like this next chapter! : P

Chapter 6: A Dragon's Pain

"_Merlin,_" I heard Arthur yell as I fell through the air.

_Goodbye Arthur Pendragon, I thought as I raced towards the ground. _

The rush was breath taking. This was a nice way to die. In the distance I heard Arthur kept screaming. But, it was hopeless. This was the way it was going to end. A hard surface slamming against my frame.

_Yes, I thought. Yes! Death, come receive me! I'm ready. I'm ready to leave this world!_

A roar split my ears, but I ignored it. I liked the feeling that I was soon going to hit the ground. Another roar and I slammed into something hard. But, I wasn't dead, and it wasn't the ground. I panicked. I didn't want to be saved. I wanted to be dead.

_No, I screamed internally. No! This isn't right! What happened? Why am I not dead? I wanted to die!_

"Merlin," Kilgharrah roared as he raised me up to see his face; he was furious. "What were you thinking?"

"What are you doing here," I screeched in anger. "I didn't call you!"

"It's a good thing I did come or you would've been flat on the ground!"

"I _wanted_ to die!"

Kilgharrah paused, then he gave an almighty roar, and the castle's inhabitants screamed along with those in the Lower Town. There were screams to get the knights. To find the king. Funny, the king was already here with a dropped jaw; listening to our conversation. He was about to have an even bigger surprise. Goodbye concealed hatred.

"Why on _earth_ would you want to die," he asked.

"I lost _everything, _Kilgharrah," I said. "Arthur doesn't even know of my magic and he still _hates _me! My friends have all but abandoned me and my father, Will, and Freya are _dead! Gaius _was kidnapped because of me! Everyone around me gets hurt! I can't protect them! I'm worthless! Unwanted! I don't _deserve _to live!"

Kilgharrah roared again—spitting out hot flames—he should really stop doing that. It was burning my ears. The people screamed again as the fire licked its way down to the ground.

"Young Pendragon," he yelled flying closer to the battlements. "What have you done to my Dragonlord?"

"Your _what,_" Arthur screamed.

"My Dragonlord," Kilgharrah said accusingly. "Now. What. Have. You. Done?"

"He's a _Dragonlord!_"

"Yes. Now answer me!"

Kilgharrah spewed fire over the stone causing the structure to catch the flame and spread. The citizens scattered, screaming. Gaius just stood there frozen, fear marring his face. The knights were running valiantly towards Kilgharrah, but he paid them no mind. There were like ants to him. Insignificant. Arthur was fuming. Anger and hatred burning in his eyes and oozing from his being.

It was awful to watch him start hating me more than he already did. I'd rather have the lies than watch our 'friendship' completely shatter. It would be heart wrenching to see that happen. I don't even know if I could live if he did hate me more—though I wouldn't complain towards death. I just watched on as the hate intensified. It felt as if my heart was being ripped into little tiny pieces. Then those pieces slowly died. It hurt worse than actually dying. Why didn't I agree to start carrying a dagger?

_Why can't he just accept me, I thought. I do everything for him. I was willing to trade my life for him. I drunk poison for him. I killed for him. Can't he—just once—truly care?_

"Why didn't he stop you? Why didn't he _tell _me?"

_Oh no, I thought. He feels betrayed. Kilgharrah, don't provoke him. I want to die my way. Not on a pyre. Can't I at least have that? Don't I deserve that?_  
"He _did_ stop me, Young One. Right after he received the gift from his dead father. And, he didn't tell you because of _this! _Now _answer me!_"

"I have done nothing but try to talk to him since I found out he was cutting! _He's _the one that's been keeping secrets!"

_I only did so that I could live _to save your life_, I thought. Can't you just be grateful?_

"Yes, but _you're _the one that's been making him _suffer!_ Maybe he would talk to you if you _cared! _I can't _believe _I actually thought you were the Once and Future King! He was born with magic to protect that king, Pendragon. I had thought he was you, and I advised the young warlock to help _keep you alive!_ But, no. You hated him. You let your knights _abandon_ him! You let him _try to kill himself! _All you do is make others suffer around you. You are _a coward!_ _You're _the reason he's trying to kill himself! You're the reason that everyone around you suffers! I'm taking my Lord, and I will _never _let you near him! If I find that you follow us, I will kill you, _Pendragon!_"

_I guess not, I thought. At least Kilgharrah said he'd protect me… However, if Arthur wants me executed, I won't stop him. At least I'd die either way… I don't want to live anymore. Can't anyone see that? I just want this to be over. To sleep. I don't want any more conflict. I just want everyone to stop fighting. I'm not worth this. I'm not worth anything._

_How could Merlin do this to me, I thought. I thought we were friends. I thought that he _trusted _me. Well at least until he started cutting. But why couldn't he have told me he was a Dragonlord? Granted, it's illegal, but I wouldn't have turned him in. I couldn't even dream of killing him! He even has _magic! _He's been lying for _years _now. He's worse than Gwen. I trusted him. How could he do this to me?_

I looked straight into Mer—no the traitor's eyes. I wouldn't let him get away with this.

"Go ahead," I told the Dragon. "Take him. He's worth nothing to me."

Reviews:

PyroEnthusiast: Thank you. I'm glad you like the story, and I hope the next chapter will blow your socks off!

KmKizmet: Thank you. I'm glad you like it!


	8. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Hey, guys! How did you like the last chapter? Pretty intense, huh? Well, it just keeps going from there! Hope you like this chapter!

Chapter Seven: Abandoned and New Beginnings

_He's worth nothing to me… _

Those words followed me miles away from Camelot. Tears freely rolled down my cheeks as we passed village after village.

Kilgharrah wasn't happy when we left. He was so _mad _that he destroyed half the city on our way out …, and I didn't have the heart to stop him.

It's been three days since I left. Three days since I saw what Arthur _really _thinks of me. I've tried to end my life five times, but Kilgharrah caught me, and promptly healed me. I wanted to command him to stop, but I couldn't bring myself too. It just proves he cares. He's the second person in my life that cares. Him, Gaius, and my mother. They're all I have.

"Sire," Leon called as he and Elyan walked up.

"Yes, Leon," I said.

"Gwaine and Percival left."

"Percy too?"

"Yes, Sire. They went to find Merlin."

I cringed at the name. I still couldn't believe the way I acted. I was just so angry and felt betrayed. I didn't really mean the words 'he means nothing to me'. He actually meant almost everything to me. I tried following the dragon's trail the day after it took Merlin away, but I couldn't find it. And, there have been no reports of dragon sightings.

Gwaine's furious with me. I tried to explain, but he just punched me in the nose—I deserved it though—and then tried to persuade the knights to leave to find Merlin. I guess he was able to persuade Percival.

"What do you want us to do, Sire," Elyan asked.

"Nothing. Maybe they'll be able to find him. The dragon said that he won't let me near them, but that doesn't mean that Gwaine and Percy won't be able to see him."

Leon nodded.

"Are you okay, Sire," he asked.

"I will be when Merlin gets home. And, when he does …, he'll never leave my sight again."

Leon smiled and Elyan laughed.

"I second to that," Leon agreed.

"Me too. He gets in _way _too much trouble."

"Yes, he does," I said. "Now excuse me. I need to go talk to Gaius."

Another thing I've been doing in the past three day was talking to the physician about Merlin and his magic. Gaius admitted to knowing about him and then proceeded to talk about how and why he came to Camelot.

It was an amazing thought to know that he was born with magic, and a scary thought to know the first event he saw in Camelot was that execution.

I shook my head. I just wanted to find my friend. I wanted to make sure he was safe and okay. I just wanted him to know that I do care. I don't care about the magic, I care about _him_. I just wish he could see that. I can't say it … I was raised not too. I know it's not a good excuse, but after years of hiding my true feelings, it's hard to even think them, let alone explain them.

_Merlin, I thought. I hope we find you. I need you to understand. I need to apologize, then never let you leave again._

"Young Warlock," Kilgharrah said, trying to rouse me.

"Go 'way," I whined.

I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to get up, wash, or comb my hair. I didn't even want to be alive. I just wanted to be left alone to die.

"Come on, Merlin," he said gently. "Just get up. It's a new day."

"I don't want to see a new day, 'Gharrah. Just go away."

"I can't do that. I want you to live. I don't want you to give up."

"What else can I do?"

"Move on, Young One."

"How?"

"First, let me take care of you. Then we can take you to the druids."

"I don't want to go to the druids."

"Where would you like to go?"

"Six feet under."

"I can't let you do that."

"Why not?"

"I care."

That made tears build up. It was nice to hear someone say they care. It was nice to know that I was loved. I just wish I could do what he wanted. But it was too late. I have already given up hope. I'm too far gone.

So when Kilgharrah flew out of the cave to hunt for our dinners, I took out the dagger I stole from a camp and proceeded to slit my wrists. When Kilgharrah got back, I will already be dead.

_I'm so sorry, 'Gharrah, I thought. I don't want you to mourn. I don't want you to be alone, but I can't live like this anymore. I can't take the pain, the loneliness. I can't live knowing that all my friends hate me. I can't live knowing that I'm the one that indirectly caused all the people I care about to get hurt. I can't protect them, 'Gharrah. I can't do what I was destined to do. I'm so sorry. I love you. I really do … I just don't want to continue being a disappointment. Goodbye Kilgharrah. _

With that last thought, I took the stolen dagger and, slowly, I slit my wrists.

"Sire," Gaius said as I walked in.

"You asked to see me," I said.

"Yes. I found something odd in Merlin's room."

"What do you mean by 'odd'?"

"Well, I've never seen it before, and it wasn't there a few days ago…"

"Gaius, what is it?"

Gaius cautiously took out a small crystal in the shape of a tear.

"What is it," I asked again as a knot formed in my chest.

"I don't know, Sire," he said, voice shaking. "But, I fear it isn't good."

"Do you think that it could have caused…."

"It's very possible. Merlin can usually take loss and pain easily. He's very resistant."

I nodded. Merlin wasn't a coward. Far from it. I just hope that he could forgive me.

Reviews:

Merlinreview3: I update about 1 or twice a day, so don't worry. This is going to be about 13-15 chapters … I hope.


	9. Chapter 8

Author's Note: I hope everyone enjoyed last chapter. Sadly, there is no Merlin's POV in this chapter. But, I hope you enjoy the surprise POV I did give you!

Chapter 8: Is It Too Late?

It was just turning light outside. Percy and I were searching through the forests. We've been at it since late last night when we left Camelot. . I wanted to be as far as Camelot as possible before anyone knew we left. I asked Elyan to tell Arthur we left that morning, just in case the Princess decided to try and stop us. I didn't think he would, but I wanted to be safe

I knew the Princess regretted his actions toward Merlin, but I'm still furious. That wasn't the time to blow up like that. Merlin's mental and emotional state was already damaged enough. He didn't need to hear that Princess 'thought' he meant nothing to him. The poor thing must really be a mess now. I may not like it, but I know that Arthur is Merlin's best friend. Merlin held his opinion about everyone else's. That's what really made the situation stink.

When we got home—with Merlin in tow—I was going to punch the Princess again.

"Gwaine," Percy said. "Shouldn't we go to the White Mountains?"

"Do you think they'll be there?"

Percy nodded.

"If I was a dragon that wanted to hide, that's where I'd go. No one lives there, and there are huge caves that could shield it during bad weather. It's a perfect place to hide a person too."

He had a point. A good one too. Maybe we could find Merlin there? I just hope there would be signs a dragon has been there … and the dragon wasn't there to eat us. It would be a bad thing for us to go all the way there, and then get eaten before we could even see Merlin. But, if there was a chance we could bring Merlin home, I would take anything we could get. I would even face the dragon. Shoot, I'd face a hundred dragons for Merlin! He's my first and only friend! He's the only one that _knows _I'm a noble and doesn't treat me any differently. He's the one that made me believe in something again. He's the one that drags my arse out of the tavern and knows when I _need _him too. He's the only one who will _actually _listen and laugh at my tavern stories. He _cares. _

"Alright then," I said. "That's the way we'll go."

Percy smiled and we started the long journey up the mountain.

We checked four caves. There was no sign of Merlin. I was about to suggest we go back to the forest, when Percy gasped.

"Perc," I yelled. "What is it?"

"It's Merlin," he screamed.

I didn't need to be told twice. I was by his side in .7 seconds.

Merlin was in bad shape. He was abnormally pale, and his…his wrists were split. I swallowed hard as tears swelled. Merlin, of all people, didn't deserve this. He deserved to be happy, carefree. He deserved to grow old and go gray. How could someone that had all the joy in the world become so depressed and resorted to this? It wasn't fair. It wasn't _fair! _

"Perc, we need to move him," I said, choking back the sobs. "We need to get him to Gaius."

Percy nodded and gently picked him up. My throat was dry as we quickly reached the horse and started on our way to Camelot.

It was dark now. The castle was still. Only Gaius and I were still awake now. Gaius was reading through his magic books, I was reading some of the books that Geoffrey let us borrow from the library. So far we've came up empty.

I sighed and leaned back.

"Gaius, what if we're wrong," I asked.

"Then Merlin will eventually die," he said, solemnly. "If we can't break this enchantment, then he _will _kill himself."

"Is there any other place that we can look?"

Gaius shook his head. My heart dropped. I _needed _him to live. I needed to apologize for being such a bad friend. I need to just _see _him alive and smiling again. Was that too much to ask? Was it too much to want to know your best friend is all right. If it is, then the world is a cruel, cruel place.

"Is there anyone that we can ask about the crystal," I asked, a spark of hope filling my chest.

"The only other person I can think to ask is Kilgharrah," Gaius said.

The hope died. It was ripped out of my chest and danced upon by goblins.

"He won't help us," I said, my voice full of despair.

"That's true … But he _will _help Merlin."

A little hope crept back into me. The only thing that bothered me was if he would refuse to let Merlin come back to Camelot … that or if Gwaine and Percy mange to bring him back, he will refuse to help unless we hand Merlin back to him. I couldn't let him take Merlin away again. I needed him here… by my side. Like he always was. I need him to tell me when I'm wrong. When I'm being an 'absolute prat'—as he likes to tell me. I need him to keep me straight. He's my best friend. My only friend. The only one who hasn't betrayed me. He's my rock. My lifeline. He's the one I turn to when I need someone to talk to. He listens to me when I rant. He's the one that I can _sort of _talk about my emotions to. He's the one that offers a smile and a joke when I need to be lifted up. He's the one that gives me a word of wisdom when I need it. He's my idiot … and he's my Warlock.

"How can we find him?"

The door crashed open and Percival and Gwaine came barging in with a pale Merlin—tight makeshift bandages around his wrists.

"Princess," Gwaine said. "I think we already did."

Reviews:

Peabodythecat: Thank you for your comment. I hope that I can live up to your expectations. And, you're welcome. I don't mind 'spoiling' you with my updates.

Felicity P: Thank you. I hope that the chapters before my twist didn't scare you too much. And you're right. Poor Merlin.


	10. Chapter 9

Arthur's Note: Hello everyone. I plan to have five more chapters for this story. I want to thank you all for reading and reviewing. But, I want to especially want to thank KmKizmet—my beta—for offering to be my beta for my first story, for helping me thus far. KmKizmet is even my beta for my Merlin/Sherlock crossover Trading Spaces. Thank you.

Chapter Nine: Only Hope

"Merlin," I breathed.

He looked awful. It broke my heart to see him like that. So vulnerable. He doesn't deserve this.

"Princess," Gwaine said. "We need to get him on the table."

I nodded and let them through. Gaius gasped as he untied the strips of cloth that was around his wrists. Once I looked at them the cuts too, I started to cry. They were cut deeply. There was little chance of saving him.

"Gaius," I said. "Do whatever it takes. _Whatever _it takes. Do you understand?"

He nodded and started to flip through his spell book. After a couple minutes he cried with joy. He said a couple words that I didn't understand and his eyes turned gold.

A few seconds went by but nothing happened. My heart broke.

"Gaius….," I asked. "Why isn't it working?"

"I…I don't know, Sire," he said. "I can try another one. The spell I tried might not be strong enough."

I nodded and Gaius looked again. He proceeded to do five more spells. None of them worked.

"Sire," Gaius said. "I think I have an inkling of what's going on."

"Tell me."

"I think he's fighting against the healing."

"What do you mean?"  
"He's stopping the spells from working, Sire."

"What do we do then" Gwaine asked.

"We have to break the enchantment," I answered.

"What enchantment," Percival asked.

"There was an enchantment placed on him," Gaius said. "It's causing him to become depressed. We have to break the enchantment to heal him."

"Then why won't you break it," Gwaine asked.

"We don't know what it is," Gaius said. "The only one who would know is Kilgharrah."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yes," I said. "We have to find him. We have to make him help us."

"How do we do that, Princess?"

"He'll help because Merlin's in danger," Gaius said. "He'll help because he loves Merlin."

I nodded.

_He's has to help, I thought. He's too protective not too, right? He won't let Merlin die. He'll do whatever it takes to make sure his Dragonlord lives. To make sure his _friend _lives. _

Just then there was a loud roar.

"He's here," Gwaine said. "And he doesn't sound too happy."

"Would you be, if someone stole your friend right from under your nose," Gaius asked.

"No," I answered. "I'll go talk to him."

Kilgharrah roared again and the floor shook.

"Hello," I cried as I walked down the steps into the courtyard. "Kilgharrah?"

"Pendragon," he yelled as he flew above me. "Give me back my Dragonlord!"

"I can't do that," I told him.

"Why not?"

"When my knights found him—not on my orders, mind you—they say that he cut his wrists. I can't give him to you because Gaius is trying to save him, but he won't allow himself to be saved. I can let him go only on one term."

Kilgharrah calmed down and landed in the middle of the court yard. He cocked his head.

"What would that term be, Pendragon?"

"There is an enchantment that was placed on him…"

"What type of enchantment?"

"We don't know …"

"You don't _know!_"

"The only clue we have is a crystal shaped like a tear."

"A Tear Crystal?"  
"It's shaped like a tear, yes."

"You don't know what this means do you?"

"Not a clue."

"It means that it brings Merlin's worst fears, doubts, and sorrows to the surface and slowly rots his core."

"Does this mean that Merlin isn't actually depressed?"

"Yes, Young Pendragon. I apologize for my harsh actions. It was nothing of your own doing."

"I apologize too. For any harm I've unintentionally caused Merlin."

"I forgive you, for there was never any harm done. I was rash and unwise."

"There is nothing to be forgiven on your side also. I understand the fierce need to protect one's own. I only hope that we can help Merlin."

Kilgharrah nodded and bowed him head in shame and guilt for a minute. Then he looked back up with determination in his eyes.

"Bring me the Crystal," he commanded. "This ends now. I will not let my kin drown in something that should have never conspired in the first place. He is too important to die at this moment … or ever in time. I will not have it!"

"Come on, my boy," I said. "Just stay tight a little longer. Arthur is talking to Kilgharrah. They should find a way to help you soon. Please don't give up on me."

But, at those words, Merlin suddenly took a turn for the worse. His breathing started to choke and his heart beat flickered.

"Merlin," Gaius exclaimed. "What are you doing? Can't you see that you're too important to everyone? Can't you see that no one wants to see you die? It doesn't matter that you've made mistakes. Everyone does. It doesn't matter that you're magic. Arthur doesn't care. He's your friend because you're you. You need to live. We can't live without you. Can't you see? Can't you feel it? We would all be a mess without you here to pick us back up with your friendly smile and kind words. Camelot wouldn't be standing without your loyalty and support. I wouldn't be _alive _if it wasn't for you running in and saving the day _yet again_. Merlin, we _need _you. Can't you see that? Don't _you _care? We love you. Each and _every one _of us _loves you_."

Merlin's breathe failed and his heart slowed. I was afraid he didn't hear me. He was far too gone. Even if he wanted to, he might not be able to save himself. And it was at that exact moment that Arthur decided to burst in, a smile on his face on me crying and Merlin's now dead body. His face fell and he crashed onto Merlin's chest whispering "no, no, no," "it can't be," "you can't be dead," and "no Merlin."

Then something happened that I will never forget … Arthur took his dagger from his boot and slit his throat.

Reviews:

Merlinreveal3: Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

XxWhiteDragonxX: I try to update at least once per day. Sometimes twice. I know that this chapter is late. I had a hard time writing this part. I'm sorry you hate cliffhangers … and this one was probably the worst… ; p

Greyember13: Like I've said to others, I _try_ to update once or twice a day. I hope you liked this chapter.

DeathGoddesses: That he is. I hope you like how I handled it.

Neneru: Yes. Poor, poor Merlin. I'm glad you like the story, but I'm afraid I can't tell you if you'll get your wish. : p

Guest: Sorry I didn't reply faster. I didn't get you're comment until now. Opps…

: ( Anyway, I'm glad you like the story, and the way I humanize Merlin. Though, I personally think that Merlin is humanized in the show….

Lesley: Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's fun to write!


	11. Chapter 10

Author's Note: I'm _kind of sorry_ about where I left you on the last chapter. Though, I am rather fond of cliff hangers. If anyone had any comments please review—I love to hear your thoughts. It helps me know where to go and gives me new ideas. By the way, four more chapters to go!

Chapter Ten: The Dead and the Living

It was dark where I was. Dark and floaty—it that a word? Somehow I felt the place around me shrug. It didn't matter if it was a word or not. Nothing here actually mattered. It just was. I was just a place in a world of different places.

I was alone here. As far as I could tell. I didn't try to call out though. What did it matter if there was another person there or not? I didn't want to see. I just wanted to float around and do nothing.

The nothingness was pleasant. There was no pain or worries. There was no happiness or joy. There was nothing … Yet, there was everything. If I cared I would try to figure out how that could actually be, but I didn't care. So I didn't.

There was no time here. So it only felt like a minute … though, it also felt like hours.

"Merlin," I heard.

_How did they know my name, I thought. Do I know them? Are they here? Or are they somewhere else … Wherever that somewhere else might be. _

The place around me shrugged again. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered here. So I ignored the odd voice, but it didn't ignore me…

"What are you doing?"

I wasn't doing anything. I was just floating in a place in between places. I didn't want to hear the voice. But, it kept coming. It didn't want to be ignored.

"Can't you see that you're too important to everyone? Can't you see that no one wants to see you die?"

Who's 'everyone'? The voice sounded familiar. Did I know it? I didn't know how I could. But, it didn't matter. Nothing did.

_Go away, I thought. Just leave me alone._

"It doesn't matter that you've made mistakes. Everyone does."

What mistakes was it talking about? I don't remember. Who _is _the voice? Now it was starting to make me curious. It seemed the voice _did _know me. I still don't know how. But, soon I will. I'll figure it out. This _did _matter now.

The space around me became angry at my attention. It wanted me to keep floating. To just stay quiet and uncaring.

"It doesn't matter that you're magic. Arthur doesn't care. He's your friend because you're you."

Arthur. I know him. He's the man with the blue eyes and blonde hair. He's my best friend. But, if the voice is talking about him, who owns the voice?

The black world shook. It didn't want me to remember Arthur. I didn't know why, and I didn't like the fact that it was trying to dull the voice. The voice that was foreign, yet familiar.

"You need to live. We can't live without you."

Can't live without me … Gaius would say something like that. Gaius! He's talking to me. I tried to answer, but I couldn't. Why couldn't I answer? What was wrong?

The world was violently trying to get rid of Gaius' voice, but I wouldn't let it. I needed to hear what he said. I wanted to know what was wrong. What I needed to do to get out.

"Can't you see? Can't you feel it? We would all be a mess without you here to pick us back up with your friendly smile and kind words."

_Gaius, I called in my head. Gaius…_

The world started to shatter. I could start to feel other emotions, but the one that stood now was fear.

"Camelot wouldn't be standing without your loyalty and support. I wouldn't be _alive _if it wasn't for you running in and saving the day _yet again_. Merlin, we _need _you. Can't you see that? Don't _you _care? We love you. Each and _every one _of us _loves you_."

_I do care, Gaius. I thought. I love you too. _

I tried to wake up, but I couldn't even feel my own body. Why couldn't I feel my body? Why couldn't I wake up?

_Gaius, I yelled. Arthur! _

But Gaius didn't answer. He couldn't hear me.

_Gaius can't hear me, I thought. Why couldn't he hear me? Kilgharrah! _

The only thing I could do was call him. I couldn't get out on my own. I didn't know how. I was scared. But, Kilgharrah should know how to get me out. I hoped. He was the only one that would. I trusted him. He helped me _so _many times before. I just had to believe that he would know how to get me out of this situation too. There _had _to be a way. All I needed to do was find it. However, if Kilgharrah didn't know. I would probably die. That was just a fact. I was experienced enough. Strong enough. But, a dragon that has lived as long as Kilgharrah has would know how to get me out of this.

_ Young Warlock, Kilgharrah asked. _

_ Thank goodness, I thought. He could hear me! Why couldn't Gaius hear me then?_

_ Kilgharrah, I cried. Why can't I feel anything? What's wrong?_

_ You committed suicide. But, you are not yet dead. I can help you, but you have to trust my judgment. _

Committed suicide? Why would I commit suicide? Did I _really _want to die? I didn't know. In this place, everything was off. I didn't like it.

_Is this what dying feels like, I thought randomly. If so, then I never want to actually die. This place is scary. _

_ I'll do anything Kilgharrah. Just help me! Please! I don't want to die. _

He chuckled a dry and humorless laugh. I didn't like it on him. I liked when he was chuckling at my idiocy or Uther marrying a troll. Anything but this.

_ Then there's a problem, Young Warlock. If I am to help you, you must first die so that you can live… _

I didn't like the sound of that, but it seemed as if that was the only way. I nodded and let myself go. Then I died...

Reviews:

DeathGodesses: I agree. But, will Kilgharrah be too late? I don't know yet. I'm still debating. And, yes. I know I'm evil.

Blue Turtle of AWSOMENESS: Yes I agree. That was a _stupid, stupid _move of Arthur's. But to be fair, Arthur did warn Merlin—when they were on the battlements—that if Merlin died, he would cut his throat. And, I'm glad you like this. I'm having fun writing it!

Greyember13: Thank you. I _try _to update quickly, but sometimes it's hard.


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